Making a Comeback

Hello all my friends!

I know it's been such a long time since I've been writing- nevermind having the presence of mind or motivation to make any new jewelry creations... Truth be told, I've been an absolute wreck for the past 5 months. Since my early 20's, I've had back problems on and off, but mostly just because I strained myself too hard. However, in March 2007 I had a very bad car accident which I was very lucky to have walked away from. Later that same year, right after Christmas, I slipped and fell down our stairs- bouncing down each one (it seemed) right on my lower vertebrae because I had curled up a little to try and stop myself. While very painful, I still managed to get to work and do my thing. In spring of 2008 I moved down to VA where I was being treated by a chiropracter that was fabulous. He really got me back to "normal", as close as I could get, and I was feeling pretty human. Still- there were days I'd have a spasm, or not feel so great... But they were getting to be spaced farther apart with each "flare up".

At the beginning of March this year, I noticed I had a spasm coming on, and it was quite intense. After seeking out my doctor, she had refused to give me medication for fear that I would stop breathing. Yes- this wasn't over the counter medication- I needed a severe pain reliever and muscle relaxant, which I was used to taking only with bad flare ups and only when I absolutely needed it. She relented and gave me a few pain pills, but those lasted me 2 1/2 days. After that, I sought out a neurologist and waited weeks to be seen- and when the appointment came, he told me everything I was feeling was in my head. I should give up, since I already went through all other avenues of therapy. I was not happy- at all. And through all this, my back was getting worse and worse. Sleepless nights, uncomfortable standing up, sitting or laying down. Coughing or sneezing was excruciating.

So I had my parents come pick me up and bring me back home to get treatment. My Dr. C has been fantastic, but he wanted an opinion of a neurologist (Dr. C is an Osteopath) regarding my condition since he wasn't really able to help me the way he wanted. Reason? I've been falling down randomly, and without warning. I have no idea when it's going to happen- it's totally random and without warning. Well- long story short- I wasted time with the "neurologist" and I'm now back ot seeing my Dr. C. This has been a very difficult road, as we're trying and testing medications to see how well they work. "Neurologist" was happy keeping me on epileptic medication, which was also a pain reliever, and a painkiller too. The safest dose for someone to be on is 1200mg a day, and as of last week I was up to 1500mg and he wanted to increase it more. I said no. Bottom line- I'm not going back to him. I'm looking for the reason I hurt, the reason for the pain, the reason for falling down. I'm not looking for a band-aid to cover the problem. And I'm not epileptic.

Since last week, I've been on a new medication for Fibromyalgia. I haven't been diagnosed with it, but the medication itself seems to be helping just as much as the other one I was on- but minus the head fogginess, disorientation, drowsiness and general sloth behavior. It left me feeling like I was underwater, breathing on an almost empty tank. And no motivation to move, get up, move a little bit. I was parked in this very chair I'm sitting in... Sleeping most of my days away. This new medication does make me drowsy- but it comes in waves. My pain seems to finally be not so severe, though I'd like it to nothing- but I'm sure that will come in due time.

Dr. C has diagnosed me, finally after all these months, as having Failed Back Syndrome. While it's most commonly developed after having back surgery, it also exhibits itself if a severe trauma has occurred. I've never had back surgery, and from what they can see- I don't have anything ruptured or separated in there, so there is no need for it. I'm having a nerve and ligament problem. The medications I'm on now, coupled with treatment which will start soon, should help me get back to normal.... Which means up, moving, doing all the fun things I've missed out on the past months. Said trauma would be the combination of my car accident and falling down the stairs in 2007, and me not having help with the spasm when it started exhibiting itself back in March 2010.

Had the doctors simply given me a little more pain medication, a muscle relaxer, and a note to work keeping me out for 2-3 days- this wouldn't have blown up into this mess it is. With the combination of the spasm working itself in so deeply, and the random falling down because I'd lose all feeling in my right leg from my hip down- it didn't allow nerve blocks, prednisone (steroid) courses multiple times over the past months, and OD adjustments partially done by Dr. C to work correctly. The ligaments in my lumbar area are so torn and stretched, they didn't heal correctly. As a result, each time I would take it easy and recover from a spasm- I was allowing it to get weaker and weaker without even knowing it. When this particular spasm started in March, the only way my body could protect itself was to throw me into this unbelievable kink, so horrible I could barely move. This helped keep my bones where they were- unfortunately.... They were out of alignment and in the wrong place. I've been so torqued up since, Dr. C's had a very hard time adjusting me and putting the vertebrae where they belong in there. The latest adjustment was Thursday, and already Friday evening while reaching for my cup of water I felt it pop out again.

I was still in excruciating pain. But... Today...  I'm finding I'm feeling a little bit better now. Every little increase helps SO much. Since it's rainy, I'm hurting more than usual... But it's better than being about ready to crawl the walls for relief. This new medication helps the body to cover the nerves with thicker casings- therefore, we're hoping- I'll not hurt so much, and the falling down will stop. It will also allow my Doctor to manipulate me in order to get my bones in the right place. If it still is stubborn and doesn't work, there's another option I'll have to look in to... But I'll deal with that when the time comes.

So my apologies to you for ranting and rambling a bit... I felt I owed it to everyone to give an explanation as to why I've been missing so often the past months, and especially weeks. I'm looking forward to being more present online!

Long Update- Grab a Cup of Joe!

I just wanted to let everyone know that I've been holding up ok.

And so is kitteh, as evidenced in her new hangout spot within my houseplants!

Since early March, I've been plagued with a back spasm that just hasn't let up or given me any relief. After seeing my PCP, and her subsequently telling me that she wouldn't give me the combination of medications I know would have cleared this up... I had to resort to making an appointment with a neurosurgeon.

Needless to say, don't trust the fancy name unless you know someone that has seen them before and can provide an excellent reference. It took me nearly three weeks to get in to see this doctor, and after being poked, prodded and made to do move in ways that I had already explained were extremely painful for me. His recommendation for treatment was "Heat/Ice Therapy, Chiropracter, Physical Therapy, Narcotics, Tens (electrical stimulation and ultrasound therapy), Accupuncture, Giving Up, Some Fine Surgery".

Giving up?

GIVING UP?

Seriously? A doctor, a neurosurgeon, told me to give up.

I'm certain some of my readers here have dealt with pain... And some even with chronic pain... Would you for even a moment think of giving up????

I left his office empty handed. No medications, not even prednisone which in my case would have been used as an anti-inflammatory which was badly needed. I made sure to insist I had an order for an x-ray, and MRI. Symptoms thus far had been the back spasm, on my spinal column, radiating out toward just above my right hip. From here, the pain radiated upwards a little bit, but the majority was the shooting pain, numbness, and pins and needles that would go right through down my hip, bum and all the way down my leg and out my toes. Random times I'd fall. Just be standing, then boom- on the ground. Go to stand up from a sitting position, boom, right back down on the floor. Kneel down, attempt to bend, it could be anything. Boom... Falling on my knees, bum, side.... It didn't matter.

I had the X-ray done. Then the MRI. Refused to go back to the "neurosurgeon".

The second doctors I got ahold of, the "Orthopedic Specialists" who took me another two weeks to get in to see them told me they didn't see anything wrong with my back. Not from the MRI, not from anything. He sat there, asked me questions, checked my reflexes in my knee.... And that was the end of my appointment. The audacity of this doctor that got me the most was that he said this was all in my head. And obviously I have a nerve problem.

I thought this was a little silly- so I questioned him... If there's no problem, why are you saying there's something wrong with the nerve in my right leg. Particularly the sciatica. His response was to promptly get up and leave.

His assistant was kind enough to come back with a prescription to refer me to yet another specialist- to have a nerve test done. I didn't need that- I needed my back fixed. I was only at that point able to broach the subject of taking short term leave from work to get my back issues sorted out, diagnosed correctly, and fixed. The assistant left, then came back and told me it would be $175 for this new doctor to fill out the paperwork. Three pages. Two hundred bucks. I was appalled. I questioned that- cried in the office, I was so hurt at this point. In this amount of pain, no medication, driving myself to the limit because things needed to get done and I was the only one I could rely on... I was having a mini-break down.

That doctor popped his head into my waiting room and simply said "I won't fill this out for you. You need to see the neurosurgeon you had initially seen to get this done. Have a nice day."

I broke down. Took my records, didn't give them any further paperwork, and informed them I was not going to be back ever- nor refer their practice to anyone else.

So started the Emergency Backup Plan.

14 days, turned in to 7. I packed up some of my things, made an emergency call to my parents- and said I need you to come pick me up. They drove down to VA to come get me... Packed what I needed, and scooted me back home. Now my doctor up here had all my records before I had seen him- which is what I planned.

A good piece of advice for anyone with back problems- see first an DO- Doctor of Osteopathy. My doctor here has helped me through this since my first two injuries- my car accident in 2007, then falling down the stairs right after Christmas that same year. I've had flare-ups since then- but nothing this severe or long lasting.

Over the last week, he's helped me more than both those other two nuts did in two months. I have medications- muscle relaxants, and a pain reliever. He was appalled that all I've been taking was Excedrin Back & Body for the amount of pain and spasms I was literally hunched over with. My first appointment, he couldn't touch me- I was too bound up. This was when the pain meds and muscle relaxants were called in. I also had a steroidal shot in my rear end that would bring down the inflammation. Waited two days- and had to see him again. Not much relief- which not only was he surprised at, but he could feel in my back as well. He couldn't touch me for fear of hurting me.

So last week, he put me on an oral dose of steroids in addition to the rest of the medications. Today marked the day of the time passed, and I went to see him again. I had fallen twice this past weekend. Once on Saturday on to pavement (of course, the one day I venture out) and this morning, coming down stairs. That wasn't so bad, as I made myself push back and just sort of landed on the stairs sitting down hard. Diagnosis from me? Pain is alleviated to manageable, but the spasm has not let up. He felt as much as well. On the table, he had me relax as best as he could, then moved my right leg around. Excruciating in most positions.

Then he says, there... That's it.

What's it?

He said "You've got a severely torn ligament on the right side of your spinal column. This makes sense- it wouldn't show up on the x-ray or MRI, but I can feel it slipping. Your disc is slid out. This is the reason for the amount of pain you're in."

Me "Oh. Great."

Doctor "Well, you're young... You'll heal... But this will take a while, and you need to stay absolutely quiet. I need to do a procedure on you to help this give you relief- is that ok?"

Me "Yes. Anything, please. I don't want to hurt."

Doctor "On a scale of 1-10, right now where are you?"

Me "Between 9-10."

Doctor "High threshold of pain?"

Me "Yes. Usually why I end up hurt more than I should by the time I get to the doctor."

Doctor "You need to not wait that long from now on, ok?"

Me "Ok."

So.... Today.

Two nerve blocks, with more steroids. Let me tell you.... Having it done wasn't as bad as it seemed it would be. My doctor has magic hands- he really does. Told me there may be a slight chance of bleeding, or infection to the injection site. It would hurt- the medicine going in. It did... But only for a moment. And in that moment... Relief. Pain level went from 9-10 to 7 in 5 minutes. Level 5 in another 5 minutes. Here I sit tonight, and I'm at a level 4. Manageable. Didn't think I would feel this kind of relief for a while, nevermind by having my doctor suggest this as an alternative.

As it stands, I have to go back in another week for a checkup with him. As I'm making progress more slowly than he'd like, and I'm going a little stir-crazy in the process, whatever it takes to get me back to semi-normal would be just fine with me at this point. I'd be quite thankful. If this block lasts for at least the next week, that means he'll be able to help me more and we'll have at least some sort of idea at a treatment plan. However, if things backtrack- it would mean that other options- including surgery- would then have to be discussed. But when that time comes upon me... I shall do so.

As things look, I'll be working sporadically. I'm not used to sitting around and being idle.... But I'm also having some trouble making my jewelry since my hands are still shaking. I think I'll try to make some tomorrow- but we shall see just how well I progress along. I'm also home amongst my scrapbooking stash- which makes me rub my hands together and grin! So many stickers and embellishments... I don't think I'd have room for another shop on Etsy! Perhaps I'll just make them for my friends and family... Who knows.

My sincere apologies for ranting and raving on and on to everyone... But I wanted to let everyone in on what's been going on, and why I haven't had the chance to be online much at all.

The Little Guardian

He watches over Mom's garden. All seasons, through rain, snow, sunshine and foggy days. He's there, quietly pondering some unknown thought. Protecting the flowers whether they're hibernating for the winter, starting to poke through the dirt in the spring, or in full bloom come summertime.

I don't think he has a name. Not a formal one, at any rate. He's just The Little Guardian.

With Spring just ushered in through the door, it's hard to believe there are already such vibrant colors in the garden this early in the season. Yes, I do realize it's near the end of April... But still... Up here in New England, it tends to find its way much slower than elsewhere. Enjoy the pictures I've taken for you- with permission from my little stone friend- and hopefully it will put a smile on your face.

Little Grape Hyacinth


Lambs Ear
So soft to touch!


Little Johnny Jump-Up!


A Little Pine Cone


Red and White and Yellow!


Hens 'n Chicks
Succulent Heaven!

As a personal update... I'm hoping very soon to be able to start working on my jewelry again. It's just been difficult, seeing as I'm not really able to concentrate very long, and my patience level is next to nothing. I want to create beautiful things- but, still, my hands shake too badly to make anything. The good news is that I see my own doctor next week- and I know he'll be able to help me with the back thing that's going on. I can't describe to you how badly I miss making my jewelry- but then again, I wrecked some chain and headpins just trying to wrap for a new piece. So, I'll keep to things that don't really require fine motor skills for now!

So glad the end of the week is nearly here- and I get to see my fella this weekend, which has me tickled pink. I'm hoping now I have more time to devote to getting better at blogging. I miss it!

Thank you everyone that's sent me kind thoughts, prayers, wishes and good feelings my way.
It's very much appreciated!

Featured, and an Update

I can't tell you how glad I am that I can leave my windows open during the day and evening, and have it be comfortable! There's nothing quite like waking up listening to the chitter chatter of the birds- but most mornings, I'm up well before them!

I'm finally awake enough to sit an concentrate, and to tell you the truth- I miss blogging! I know the last post said I'd do my best to post at least once a week... But that's before life got in the way. I'm sure once things settle down, I'll be back online more frequently!

To kick things off, I want to share with you a Pixie Lily. I bought two for Easter- and gave one to a friend of mine as a hostess gift. She got the amazing yellow one, while I held on to the pink blush plant. I like them since they're miniature versions of the beautiful white Easter Lilies, and they don't stink up the house or make my allergies go absolutely haywire! They're about a 1/3 of the size of the regular large lilies, and bright! So pretty I couldn't resist.

I've also been featured on my friend Joyce's blog today- it really cheered me up! Come on by and check out her blog at Happy Cloud Moments. She did an absolutely gorgeous display of how "Link Love" works- and it's one I look forward to featuring this upcoming weekend as well. Why?! Because "Link Love" rocks!!!!

And now to update everyone as to why I've been a bit... Absent lately.

I've been living with bad back problems for going on 5 years, and up until this point I've always been able to manage the pain and spasms. About 4 weeks ago, I had a bad knot in my back... Which turned into a full blown spasm... Which did not ease up over the course of 2 weeks. Every day- pain. This time was different, though, because I noticed that my leg was getting pins and needles often, and would go numb. About 5 days into this new spasm, I fell. My right leg, without warning, just gave out on me. I didn't think much of it... Until it happened again.

In my rush to be seen by a doctor (which down here in DC is no easy feat- I swear the orthopedic clinics have never heard of an emergency or sudden injury) things have been absolutely chaotic. I had an x-ray done first (after my initial MRI request was denied by insurance), and it reveals in there that there's a little bone chip that's fractured off my L4 vertebrae. The X-ray "technician" said there wasn't anything wrong- but I'm sorry, if my chiropracter/Sports Medicine doctor says it's a bone chip- not a calcification like the tech said it was- I'm going to tend to believe the doctor over the other quack. He said it was also something that I did recently- as a traumatic injury, which I figure... Falling. It's been often- and landing the way I do, it wouldn't be surprising if that's what ended up giving me this new injury. Great.

Well, the X-ray had to be first because my insurance company wouldn't approve the MRI to be done until they had results. I'm pretty steamed by the radiology tech's report- because there is obvious degeneration in my lumbar area, in addition to that bone chip. And funny enough- you can see the "squishy" material of disc in between each of my vertebrae- except for the last two right before my tailbone. There's no clear outline of the disc material which shows as a faint gray, and the L5/S1 (last vertebrae and beginning of tailbone) disc was "black". As in empty space...

I spent 10 days calling my Dr's office trying to get the authorization for the MRI. The woman/receptionist was awful- telling me that she'd call when she had an answer, and that I had to be patient. She also said it didn't look like anything was wrong with my x-ray... To which I told her "Thanks for your opinion, but you're not the doctor." So, finally, the day before I have the MRI scheduled- she and the second "quack" realized how much pain I'm in. And I'm falling down, frequently. She asked me if that was the case- to which I stated that I did in fact put on my "check in sheet" that was one of the problems I needed to be seen for: back spasm, back pain, falling down. They didn't even read my chart.

Mind you, while having to deal with this weeks later, I haven't been on any sort of medication other than ibuprophen that I've been eating like candy. This isn't good for your liver, but it was taking the edge off the pain I was in. Upon talking to said receptionist- she was shocked I wasn't taking any medicine (Uhh, hello! I left their office empty handed, because I'm sure the "Dr" thought I was making a bogus reason to be seen...) and they ended up calling in a prescription for me. It's a weaker narcotic, and it's barely taking the edge off for me... But it's better than eating the ibuprophen the way I have been. And do not worry- I'm absolutely not taking it when I have to drive somewhere. Yes, that's right... Most days at work now I'm suffering through the 8 hours on sheer determination and anger- I'm not letting this get the best of me.

I was able to get the MRI done last Friday- and while I'm no doctor or certified, I did a little research of my own. I Googled regular spine pictures, and ones of herniated discs. Made sure I looked at an array of them, to make sure I wasn't jumping to conclusions. I realize this isn't an official diagnosis, but I wanted to get an idea of why I'm in the incredible pain that I am. It turns out with a lot of detail being shown with the MRI pictures- the L4/S1 disc is not level. There is degeneration in my lower lumbar spine, which I already knew and have been maintaining, but this was different looking that low. Instead of the disc between L4/L5 and L5/S1 being equal in spacing- they're pinched a bit. It's most evident on the lower one, where the "front" side- looking in from your belly- is much thicker than the back side. And it appears that the "bumps" (sorry, I'm too tired to remember the technical term!) you feel on your back when you run your hand down your spine, those two lower ones appear to be "rubbing" and touching. No wonder I have pain...?! I'm assuming that whatever is happening in there, the nerves are being affected as well... Which would explain why my leg just stops working and I fall.

For certain, though, I get an answer tomorrow.

I was able to find an orthopedic clinic that's not far from home, and I'll see the doctor tomorrow morning. I've already decided that whatever is going on, I'm going home to New Hampshire to have it fixed. This visit for the doctors is for work- so I'll be able to take time off to get home and be fixed. My family is around 24/7, and I'll be able to have the surgery, recovery and not worry about pain anymore.

That's a novel thought...

It's sad when you block out pain for so long, it just seems like it belongs there, it's a part of you. I'm looking forward to the day- very soon- which is coming, and I won't have to hurt like this any longer. Dealing with this type of pain literally takes everything out of you... I'm tired all the time, I have absolutely no energy, I don't sleep well, any movement wakes me up, walking is more like shuffling, I drag my foot without meaning to. The day is soon here I don't have to worry about any of that... And I can go for a walk and not have to worry about how sore I'll be later that evening.

I haven't been ignoring you, my readers and fans.

I've just been too tired and foggy to really sit down and complete a regular thought- nevermind try and attempt to write about it. But I managed to do ok tonight! I'm not looking for sympathies either- just words of kindness and encouragement.

One of my favorite sayings: This too, shall pass.

And to soon be fixed, to me, is exciting to look forward to.